anxieties
10:28 p.m. on February 20, 2007
i'm upset. no angry is more like it.
work is really starting to get on my last nerve. not the kids. not the teaching. it's the freaking bureaucracy and bullshit of it all... do this to be a good teacher but be sure they can pass the test 'cuz that's all we care about!
can you tell it's that time of the year again? yup, it's state standardized testing time. the time when the kids have ONE day to take ONE test to determine if they're capable in the areas of reading, writing, math and science. we don't really care much about social studies, art or music so no testing in those areas....what a bunch of...
anyway, for fear of getting dooced for talking about work in a negative yet very truthful way, i'll stop right here about that.
lately, i've been experiencing these strong feelings of anxiety again. that anxiety of loss. i feel like having Naima here isn't real or that it's not going to last. i feel like, yea, she's here today but can be gone in an instant.
i check her crib so many times at night. i'll be in a deep sleep and just out of the blue, even if Naima's sound asleep, i'll wake up and have to go check her. sometimes, more often then not, i'll just stay in her room and sleep in the twin bed in there.
i call 4 times a day from work and i still require my mom to send me picture messages of her on my phone throughout the day. and when she doesn't send me a pic, i call her to check and make sure she's ok.
we finally found the place where we'll be having her 1st birthday. we saw the place, thought it was cute and signed the contract. the minute we left the place, with the contract in hand, i felt sick to my stomach. i felt like i had just brought on this huge jinx and i started to cry. i was crying in the car and both Naima and abel didn't have a clue as to what was going on with me. we were all fine, in the kid's party place, planning a birthday party and i'm in the car crying.
i just felt this huge wave of anxiety drowning me. i had thoughts of what did you just do? what if you lose Naima too and you have all these plans for a big 1st birthday party? how will you ever get through having to tell all the guests the party has been canceled? crazy thoughts, yes, but so very real and alive nonetheless.
i don't want to have these kinds of thoughts. i don't want to live with this kind of anxiety. i don't want to feel this sadness and fear. it's not fair to me...to my husband...or to Naima. but i just don't know how to get passed it all. it's almost going to be 3yrs since losing Mia and yet it feels as if it were yesterday...the pain is still so very raw. i have Naima in my life now and though most of the time is filled with smiles and laughter, i still can't seem to close and heal this wound. Naima is now 9mo and i still can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that SHE. IS. HERE. to stay. for real. it's like part of me is convinced that i'm not suppose to have this happy ending so don't get used to it and yet the other part of me is fighting like hell, screaming YES YOU DO DESERVE ALL THIS HAPPINESS AND MORE!
but right now, with all of this fear and sadness and anxiety, it seems the first is winning the battle....
