funeral family reunion.
12:22 a.m. on January 21, 2007
the funeral was...well...a funeral. it was sad in so many ways.
she was 90something years old and had a house full of memories. her home was all so organized and precise to her liking. it was strange being in her house without her. i felt as if we were intruding. i felt as if we were being rude sitting in her living room, looking through her photo albums, using her dishes.
my mother-in-law has been taking it really bad. she was the main one to care for her mother and made it her life to do so. she's gone now and my MIL doesn't know what to do with herself now. i felt so bad for her. i didn't know what to say but to hug her. that was the most emotion i had ever seen from her and the most affection i had ever expressed to her as well. that too was pretty sad. i have been with her son for 15yrs now and yet i have never seen her cry or show anything that even resembled a loving or caring kind of emotion. even when Mia passed away i don't think i saw her the way i saw her today. i was just so consumed with Mia and my feelings i was oblivious to anyone else. but it was nice to see that side of her. she's real. she cries. she has warm feelings. i've seen them in her.
we also saw some of abel's brothers we hadn't seen in a while. that was the most depressing part of it all. one of his brothers, only a couple months older than abel, we haven't seen in years. he came when Mia passed away and i don't remember the last time we saw him since. all i could think of was are we only family when someone dies? do we only get together at funerals? i just couldn't get passed those thoughts.
it was pretty sad hearing his brother ask abel what he was up to now. we literally live a handful of miles away from each other and yet we know nothing about one another. we live in the same town and yet we're strangers to each other. i found it a bit strange how conversations were so easily had as if no time or distance lay between two family members that hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years.
it was hard for me to be so non-chalant about things. i didn't know how to just say, hey, how ya doin? haven't seen you since the day my daughter died but now's a good time to catch up on the last 3yrs! i didn't know how to just spark up a conversation with these strangers. and i didn't know how to look at these people other than strangers. i know nothing about them or their lives...they're family, yea, but i feel more related to my neighbors than these people. and yet everyone (including abel) just carried on as if nothing was strange about this funeral-family-reunion.
i also felt this weird need to protect or guard Naima. it was strange, the thoughts forming in my mind. i've thought them over and over and over again and i can't get passed how i felt.
when we got to the house after the funeral a brother and his family (whom we haven't seen/talked to in years) were already there. we walked in and i had to change Naima. we walked right passed them and i didn't say hi because i was trying to juggle Naima and the diaper bag. as we passed i held Naima close to me, clutching her tightly. i felt this need to protect her from them. now, logically i know they weren't going to do any physical harm, but i just thought if they don't like us...and they clearly don't because they refuse to keep in touch with us...then they don't care too much for my daughter.
pretty crazy, huh. i know. i thought it was pretty crazy of me too.
my brain kept telling my heart it was crazy for thinking such psycho-type ideas. but i kept going back to the facts...we've invited them to a babyshower, a welcome home baby get-together, a baptism and they've never attended. they sent a gift for the babyshower and that's about it. other than that we've heard nothing from them. so what am i'm left to conclude from that? we don't much like you people so stop bothering us because we're never going to attend any of your functions. ok. i got it. and so the next time we see each other at a funeral, which is apparantly the only time you feel the need to come around, i'm supposed to assume you're ok to talk to and you have genuine care and affection for my daughter? i don't know but i'm having some trouble accepting that strange arrangment.
but as odd as that arrangment may sound it seems as if the family is ok with it. they carried on...laughing, talking, catching up...not as strangers but as family. the kind of family that only sees each other at funerals or maybe once a year.
weird, yes, but reality, i guess.
