christmas 2006 and a resolution
12:00 a.m. on December 28, 2006
i don't know why but i haven't been in the mood to write lately. strange.
i love to write and sometimes i'm really good at it. i enjoy expressing myself through words...be them read or not, it really doesn't matter...writing is just that theraputic for me. but, lately, i haven't had that urge to do it. that's not to say that i don't have anything to write about. i do. life is by no means perfect today. yes, i have Naima. yes, i have a wonderful partner at my side. yes, i love my job. yes, my family is all healthy, alive and well. yes, yes, yes....but...live is still not all happy smiles.
and i have all these huge thoughts running through my little head just waiting to get out...begging to be literated...needing to freed. i just can't find the energy or drive to get to it.
maybe i'm tired. maybe i have other, more important, things to be doing like being with baby...like living life.
anyway, it's going to stop. i used writing to help me during my lowest of lows. i used writing to express the darkest times of my life. so, i should use writing to share the highpoints as well. i should use writing to express the light as well. it's the good with the bad, as they say.
new year's resolution: write more often. write about it all. be more expressive through words. no more drive-by entries of lists and jot-downs. write.
so, let's start writing with christmas 2006. it was...ok. there. christmas '06 in my head played out so much more exciting than the real one.
first, the sadness of missing Mia was ever present. it was not absent at all. i didn't think it would've been non-existent but with Naima here i just didn't think i was going to be hit as hard as i was. the more i held Naima, the more i missed Mia. the more i smiled and thanked God for Naima, the more Mia's absence hurt.
brother was here and mom and dad. and with the last two came the the silence and the tension. oh, everyone was very civil to one another but civil i expect at a court hearing not at christmas lunch with family. but i guess that's where i tend to go wrong. some of us don't consider each other as family any more.
she wouldn't direct not one single word to him. he would steer clear from her not speaking a word to her either. and so that made for a *memorable* christmas. she left christmas day to be with friends and once again i was reminded of how our "family" is no longer one but a bunch of small, separate entities that sometimes come together for the sake of Baby but would much rather spend it as far away from each other as possible. sad. depressing. reality.
but seeing Naima experience her first christmas was pretty awesome. thank God for this little girl. she was the light amidst the sadness. and, yes, she's only 8mo and probably won't remember a darn thing about anything, it was still pretty cool seeing her rip through all the gifts. and just as everyone kept telling me, she did enjoy the paper and the boxes so much more than the actual toys she got. yes, i totally went overboard with the gifts for her. no, i have no apologies for that either.
