scared? no. terrified!
10:36 p.m. on November 06, 2006
scared. no, i'm not scared. i'm terrified.
we have 6mo left to enjoy life as it is right now. we're not worrying about my cycles, ovulating or not, having sex at that precise moment and everything else that comes with making a baby for us. and i'm scared of what might come after this time is up. and everytime i think about it the rain of tears come again.
although i want so much to have another child, i do have to admit, if at least to myself, that i am terrified. i fear the pain that can come. i fear the hurt that can be unavoidable. i fear the loss that can occure...again.
and how will i be able to handle it now that i have Naima to care for. will i fall apart again? will i shut down again? will i feel sophicated by the world and cave in again? and then i think of how none of this can happen again BECAUSE i have Naima. i would be cheating her of her happiness and that isn't fair to her.
i'm just scared. i know what can happen and i don't subscribe to the school of thought of "already been burned before it can't happen again." because, well, i have been burned more than once before...i do have 3 angels in heaven.
and yet with all this anxiety, anxious excitement also exist to get started again right away. does this make me crazy? most of my friends and family belive so. how could we be doing this again after all we've lost and gone through? how could we want to venture into all that uncertainty again without any guarantees? believe me, i ask myself those very same questions again and again...especially when i'm attacked by The Fear.
and the only explanation i can come up with is that my want/need for my family is that much more powerful than The Fear.
i'm not sure if that's a reasonable explanation or even a sane one but that's all i can come up with.
so, in 6mo we will start the process again. i'll hopefully have my cycle back. i'll get in to talk with the Doc and, as he promised, we'll start clomid once again. by then, i hope to have lost some weight...something that has been a bit of a challenge lately. or maybe a miracle will happen and i'll lose ALL the weight and get pregnant on the first try!
well, a girl can always dream, right?
