angry, hurt, disappointed...at dad...never thought i would be
10:51 p.m. on October 01, 2006
it was a weekend from hell.
the one thing i requested from my parents when they said they were divorcing was to never, NEVER, tell me about their boyfriends and girlfriends. i was explicit in telling them that i didn't like it and that i wouldn't be comfortable with it so please don't let me hear of it.
at least i thought i was explicit about that.
apparantly my dad felt the absolute need for me to meet his girlfriend. God help me, but i cringe just saying that.
i'm so angry, disappointed and hurt with him. i just can't control all these emotions and that is upsetting as well. i know i'm not being fair. i know i'm being extremely childish. i know it's very unreasonable for me to ask them not to have any significant others but i just can't help but to not like it and i just can't help feeling extremely uncomfortable with it.
i was only at my grandmother's house maybe 15min when i finally get inside and find a seat. i'm holding the baby, talking to my aunt i haven't seen in years and in comes my dad. he stands right in front of me, holding her hand, and begins to try to say through his tears that he wants me to meet someone.
i didn't even look at her. i looked straight at him in disappointment and simply said, don't.
he tried to continue, i want you to meet someone, mi'jita.
my anger immediately went through the roof and very bluntly and expressively i interrupted him, stop it, dad. don't you dare do this. jut get out, dad.
he didn't listen. he tried to talk again only i didn't care to stick around to listen to any more of it. i got up, grabbed abel whose was still trying to find a clean place to sit on the couch, and stormed out of there.
someone was trying to come into the house as i was trying to run out. i pushed him out of my way, almost trampled over one of the many kids running around, and got into the car.
i yelled at abel to start the car and get me the hell out of there. i just wanted to get out of there as fast as i could. i wanted to race back home. if it hadn't been for Naima not being able to handle another 2hrs strapped in the carseat, we would've. i couldn't even think straight i was so angry with him.
i spent that night crying and ranting as abel just listened in bed. and the next morning i was dreading having to talk to my dad. i was still very upset, extremely hurt and i know myself too well to know that a conversation with him was not going to be good. but it had to be done.
i called him and told him we were leaving back home. he acted as if nothing. told me to have a good trip and to give the baby a kiss. well, that just pissed me off even more. and i went off.
what was he expecting me of me yesterday? to shake her hand and say, hey, great to meet you! yea, that does sound easy but it's not for me. he said he thought i would be happy for him that he's happy with someone. he thought i would want to be a part of that part of his life. he thought i would understand that he needs to live his life and continue with life the best he knows how. bullshit, that's all i have to say about that.
how can i be happy for him in a relationship when i'm still angry at him for fucking up his marriage, our family? how can i want to be a part of that life when all it does is remind me of how horribly wrong he fucked up. to me, she's just another "vieja" like the other "viejas" he had on the side while married. and i have never thrown that in his face but today i did. i couldn't keep it in. his actions and his words were so hurtful.
i asked him why hadn't he told me sooner? because i wanted to make sure she was the one. i didn't want to be introducing every girl i met. well, that's nice, now i have a lovely picture of my dad, the playa. why was i the last to know? why didn't he tell me at the same time he told my brother? it wasn't planned it just happened like this. you were there and she was there and i just thought it was a good time and i just thought you were going to be ok with it. so then this one is "the one"? are you going to marry her? maybe. i don't know. i might. my response to that, why are you going to do that again. you already did it once, remember, and you fucked it all up. you're obviously not the marrying kind. hey, just because you make a mistake once doesn't mean you can't try it again to get it right. oh, so marriage is a game of craps. just keep playing until you get it right no matter how many times you lose and hurt along the way.
he went on and on about how i can't expect him to not have someone and live the rest of his life alone. he said i have my life and he needs to have his own and i need to learn to respect and understand that. my response to that, i know you're not going to live life alone. i've known you've had a girlfriend for years now...the ones before and after the divorce. i'm not stupid. hell, if you had a girlfriend while married, i know you're going to have one now that you're divored. it's just now it's in my face. it's materialized when i explicitely told you i didn't want to be a part of that AT ALL, EVER!
i just don't understand why he felt the need to do this after i had already told him (and my mother) i didn't want to know anything like this. he kept saying, because i thought you would understand my feelings and want me to be happy to include my little girl in my new relationship. but you know what, he cheated on the family without caring how that was going to hurt me, he didn't tend to his marriage enough to save it without caring how that was going to hurt me, he got a divorce without caring how that was going to hurt me, so why the hell should i care about his feelings in wanting me to meet his pick of the week?
i re-iterrated to him and made myself very clear that i was not happy about this situation. i was not going to respect his decisions on the matter. i don't want to be a part of it in any way at all. i don't need to know her name, her background nor do i care to meet her. nothing. lie to me, treat me like a child, keep that to yourself but don't let me hear about it again. i guess, the only time i need to know anything is when he decides to get married...so i can know when he's decided to be a part of another family.
i'm so hurt. and i know i'm being unfair but i can't stop from feeling like this. i wish it could all stop and go away but it isn't going to...it never does.
