too scared to test
10:43 p.m. on August 30, 2006
i've been sick. two days of barfing and having THE worst tummy aches.
NO, i'm not pregnant.
that seemed to be the first thing out of everyone's mouth when i reported my symptoms. abel, my mom, my boss, my friends, EVERYone would ask with a sneaky little smile, "are you pregnant!?!"
yea, right. if it could only be that easy for us. deep down inside i secretly wish that would be it. wouldn't it be cool, i keep thinking, to have another little baby soon.
but the fear hits. and, boy, does it hit hard. it slaps me awake and grips my body with shocking fear.
i start to hear the Doc's orders of staying pg-free for at least 6mo....the body isn't ready...the uterus needs time to heal...so many risks. i'm absolutely frightened of what can happen if i get pregnant too soon. i mean, we already have so many wammies against us when we get pregnant i don't need to add any more!
so, consquently, i'm too scared to test. there is a small, very small, possibility that we could be pregnant because of that one time able was reluctant to wear a condemn but the pessimist in me keeps thinking it's just not that easy for us!
another reason i'm too scared to test is because i just don't feel like seeing another BIG FAT NEGATIVE. even though we haven't been working towards a positive, seeing the negatives for so many years they have become like my enemies and i don't ever want to see them again!
now, isn't that something. i'm not working for a positive but i don't want a negative either so i'm too chicken shit to test.
yup, i've really lost it now!
