awesome grandma, terrible parents
10:39 p.m. on August 09, 2006
i'm still surviving. it's still very hard but it is getting easier.
i still cry on my drive to work. but once i'm at work and busy doing my job then i'm ok. but then i hear her in the background when i call to check up on her or i see her pictures all over my desk or when i get home and see her i start to break down all over again.
i know she's in the best care with my mom. i'm so lucky to not have to take her out of the house early in the morning. i know she's happy. but i still can't help feeling like a terrible mother. it's crazy i know. my mind says it's absolutely insane for me to even go there. but my heart says otherwise.
what mother misses out on her child's firsts...first words, first steps, first laugh-out-loud laughs. what mother misses out on her child's cute cooing and crawling and rolling and everything? i want to be there for all of these things and more. i don't want to miss any bit of it. but i can't and i will miss some of it and that makes me feel like THE worst mother and not like the mother i always thought i would be.
again, i know this is just completely ridiculous of me to think and feel but as crazy as it may be i still shake these thoughts and feelings.
my mind tells me to stop torturing myself for something that can't be changed and to stop being so harsh on myself but heart is relentless with the heavy weight in guilt.
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on another note our living arrangements with my mom have been wonderful. i thought it was going to be difficult. i thought it was going to take some time to get used to but it hasn't been that at all...yet, i guess.
we didn't really sit and talk about things but i didn't (still don't) want my mom to take care of the house as well as the baby. though she's home all day with the baby and isn't working at all, i still didn't want her to feel like the maid. i want her to only concentrate on caring for the baby and that's it. well, my mother just can't sit around all day. the ADHD in her kicks in and she HAS to clean what she has already pointed out in many ways my very dusty dirty house.
after getting home the first day and i saw how clean some of the upstairs part of the house was cleaned to perfection i tried telling her to not worry about the cleaning...to just stick to the baby. she heard what i said but didn't listen because the next day the other half of the upstairs part of the house was cleaned to pefection as well.
so, i gave up. if she just feels the NEED to clean then by golly who am i to stand in her way.
today i came home to the most beautiful bathroom...so fresh and so clean-clean! and since abel and i hardly ever make our bed (as abel always said and managed to win my over to his logic, why make the bed every morning if you're just going to mess it up again that night.), i had already forgotten what my bed cover looked like until today. it's a rather attractive bedspred with pretty flower embroidery that has really been going to waste not being displayed all these months.
i come home and the house has been carefully cleaned...dusted, vacuumed, organized, with food cooked and ready to be served, with the baby either happy in her swing or asleep in her crib along with a couple of outfits sewn for some clients and all finished just in time to sit, relax and watch o*prah.
it's amazing. i get home and get to spend most of my time playing with Naima. how awesome is that!
now, after writing it all out i'm wondering if all this awesomeness that my mom can do is making me look like a terrible wife and home manager. hmmmm....
but to make myself feel a little better about my poor June Cleaver skills, i'll wonder about it another way...my mom is making abel look like a terrible husband and home manager!
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