i survived my first day back at work and being away from Naima for 8hrs
8:53 p.m. on August 01, 2006
i survived.
it was difficult and a lot of tears were shed but i survived. i still hate it though. i'm so angry that i can't be a stay-at-home-mom. i'm angry that we didn't manage our money better so that when we did have children we could have had that as option at least. right now we can't even THINK of it as an option. so i guess i'm a little resentful of that. i mean, i love my job...i really do. it's because i love children so much that i decided teaching was for me. i guess, i just wish i could do both...be at work WITH Naima at my side. how perfect would that be!
after crying myself to sleep, i woke up with enough time to breastfeed Naima before i left. it was such a perfect moment we spent together. she fell asleep in my arms and i went off to get dressed.
i cried the entire time.
as i brushed my teeth....as i fixed my hair...as i did my make-up and re-did my make-up...as i got dressed...as i ate breakfast...
and then i REALLY cried when i handed her over to my mom. both my mom and abel tried to console me. mom was crying too and kept telling me it would be ok. abel walked me to the car, gave me the biggest squeeze and off i went.
and, yes, i cried the entire ride to work.
once i got to work i tried to emerse myself in work. i was all by myself for most of the morning in the library getting it organized. but then someone came in and, of course, the first thing they did was ask about the baby. i bit my lip and tried not to cry talking about her.
and then i called to check up on her...big mistake.
when my mom answered the phone i could hear her talking...making those wonderful little cooing sounds i love so much...and then i lost it again. i don't even know how to express it in words. i don't know if i was feeling hurt or sadness or what but i just sobbed at hearing her through the phone and not being able to hold her. i should have made the call short and quick....is she ok? and goodbye. i was still crying when i hung up and my principal walked in and very politely said you'll get through it, mrs. b.
and i did. as long as i was working and concentrating on fixing the mess the library was left in i was good. i sure do have SO much work to do so that was a good thing.
but by 4pm i rushed home. i had to deliberately put myself on cruise control to keep from speeding and getting a ticket...that's the last thing i need!
and the minute i got to her and held her in my arms was H E A V E N. again, the tears came as i held her, squeezed her tight, cried, lauged, and told her over and over again mommy loves you, chiquita mia, mommy loves you so much!
so yea i survived...it was hard but i survived. i do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next.... i do hope it will soon become routine and easier to leave without so many tears. having to do my make-up twice is no fun and getting to work with a crying headache is no way to start the work day.
