Deary God, it's me again...
4:54 a.m. on April 24, 2006
i can't sleep. it's 5am and all i can do is lay in bed with my eyes wide open and my hands on my belly. how can i sleep when i'm looking for and waiting for every little move my baby makes? i feel her move and i get excited and nervous all over again.
it's strange how i feel right now. it's a strange mix of emotions and they're so very powerful there isn't one more dominant than another.
i feel a sense of optimism...it's incredible. we have so many family and friends all over this country praying for us and for Naima's safe arrival. it's comforting and what i believe is giving me that great sense of optimism and calm that all WILL be alright.
but then i also have an enormous amount of nerves all jumbled up inside. because i know of so many things that can go wrong...because i know NOTHING is guaranteed when it comes to having a baby...because i know it COULD happen to me...i am still very fearful. i try not to think of all that could go wrong. the minute i do i immediately tell myself with a stern positivity that nothing will go wrong and that by the grace of God we will bring this baby home! and it works...for a while...until i get another minor panic attach.
geez, i wish i could just fast-forward the hours already. fast-forward in a flash to Naima in my arms and me crying with joy instead of nerves. i really should get some sleep. watching the clock pass second-by-second isn't going to make the time go by any faster....
Dear God, it's me again. i know i call a lot and ask for the same thing over and over again but it's so very hard not to. first, please let Mia know i love and miss her so very much. i know she's been watching over her little sister all along but i also want her to know that her and daddy love and miss her still every day. also, please watch over Naima. protect her with your love during the delivery tomorrow so that we can bring her home. it's my children i pray for, dear God, because they are the world to me...
