christmas 2005
9:31 p.m. on December 28, 2005
christmas 2005 was calm. i wish my dad could have been here with us but he had to work. my mother was upset about that and showed it. they woman divorced the man and she still gets upset with him. some things will never change...
i've been soooo lazy. i've spent the entire time either in bed, on the couch or the futon. no worries though, it isn't a depression kind of lazy. i'm guessing this is what they call "nesting".
the nausea is still kinda kicking my ass so i think that's taking a part in things. today we were on our way to watch a movie. i got in the car, we drove out of the garage, got passed our neighbor's house when abel had to pull over because i felt lunch coming up. luckily i had my trusty ralph-bag in the car. when stuff like that happens i'm just not in the mood to go anywhere.
also, i think i'm enjoying the feeling of thumpy. i just want to lay flat on my back feeling thumpy thump-away. it's such an awesome feeling. i can't describe the joy it brings to feel my baby kicking.
and yet even though i'm so thrilled to feel the baby so active and alive i also get scared at so much movement. when we lost Mia i became a part of a group of mommies that lost children. sadly, it was a comfort to know that i was not alone. i met so many women and learned of so many different kinds of losses during pregnancy, after pregnancy, and even later in life. i know so much now and that is sometimes scary. when the baby is so active, kicking and squirming all over the place, i get scared and think of cord entanglement. i know it's terrible to think of these things but i know too much.
i do try to think positively. that's all i can do really....somehow just convince myself to think positively.
