this is ME now
1:49 p.m. on June 29, 2005
My name is Z and this is my diary. I started writing here back in 2002 and it has become like another family member. I have been able to record my most treasure moments in life…the beautiful ones as well as the painful ones.
So here are the facts about me and my life…
I’m a Virgo, about to enter my 30’s, a librarian that loves Spanish rock and reading a really, really good book.
I’m a college graduate. In May 2002 I received a Bachelors degree in education. Woohoo! In May 2004, I received a Masters degree in education. Yay! So what I have two degrees and currently working on another one. Yea, I’m proud of my hard work and accomplishment but aside from getting me a job and a monthly paycheck, I wouldn’t consider it as one of my greatest accomplishments as some might think. I’m a college graduate with multiple degrees, in dept up to my eyeballs with student loans, and I still feel like I don’t know shit!
I’m a daughter. My mother is a loving at best and stubborn at worst. I know she loves me and she knows I love her and that’s all that counts really. My father has always been my example of unconditional love. He’s not without his flaws. But I know he loves me and he knows I love him and that’s all that counts really.
I’m a sister. My brother is caring at best and stubborn at worst. I wish he’d have a little more aspirations in life. I do worry about him but I try to understand he’s a big boy and knows what he’s doing. I know he loves me and he knows I love him and that’s all that counts really.
I’m a friend. I used to think the more friends the merrier but now I’ve really come to rethink that philosophy. I am a friendly person in that I know how to be cordial with others however I’ve become much more of a reserved person. Where once I would be described as an extrovert I’m now a self-described introvert, and I’m ok with that. I do have some friends that are more than just a friendly hello here and there. And as much as they try to understand and help I just don’t think they really do. And I’m ok with that as well. I know they love me and they know I love them and that’s all that counts really.
I’m a wife. I’m married to the most awesome man on earth. He’s the love of my life and my very best friend. Has it always been rose-petal lovely? Hardly! We’ve both had our moments of hurting each other but we both know we love each other madly. I can’t explain how much our love has grown, our marriage has strengthened, and our need for one another has become more intense within the last couple of years since 2002. There simply are no words. We have lived our life together filled with love and happiness and with an equal amount of tears and frustration and excruciating pain. And there is no other person in the world I would rather experience life with...it's pleasures and pains and future uncertainties...than him.
I’m a mother. I have 3 children and they’re all in heaven. In March 2004, I gave birth to my first-born daughter. She was and will forever be my beautiful baby girl, Mia Marvelle. She gave me the gift of motherhood. Having her was the most beautiful experience of my life. But my happiness was short lived. Just as soon as I got to say hello, I was forced to say goodbye shortly thereafter. Four months after that, in July 2004, I had to say goodbye once again to another child due to miscarriage. Then, six months later, in January 2005, I had to relive another miscarriage and was forced to say goodbye to yet another child.
Whoever said “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” can really just kiss my ass right about now. Please, stop testing to see if I can be killed or made stronger. I don’t like this test anymore and I want out!
I have a series of mantras-like sayings I try to live by…
1. Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to ENJOY the ups and have COURAGE during the downs.
2. If you don’t grow through change, why even waste your time with it?
3. The truly valuable things in life always come with a price tag.
4. Look at the days ahead as an experiment and learn.
5. You can learn a lot by simply closing your mouth and opening your eyes.
6. This is the right time to start anew. Forgive all your bad habits and move forward with a more positive attitude.
